I care too much. Putting yourself out there and caring so much is like playing a game of poker, and I’m no good at love or cards. I don’t know why I continue to try. I keep thinking that my attempts will bring me happiness, but the old adage ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ is applicable.
you probably wish I looked like her
Sometimes I want to reach into my chest and extract my heart, and squeeze the damn thing until it stops hurting and beating. Will this sadness ever cease?
This is an entirely new venture for me, and I’m not sure what kind of gratification I expect to gain from this. I am not the type of person who feels the need to prattle on about my problems - I’m fully aware that others have it much more difficult. I rarely talk about the issues that bother me, and I’ve certainly never been one to post them on the Internet, in a blog solely dedicated to my trivial problems.
I’m not sure why I chose a very public domain over which to broadcast my interpersonal thoughts and feelings. I suppose that it’s because of the protective shield of anonymity, and my own knowledge that, more than likely, no one will ever see these posts.
I think that my main motivation in starting this blog was to allow myself to seek refuge in the meeting of like-minded individuals - just in case anyone actually does read this. If it is so, then perhaps I will succeed in doing for others what I can never do for myself: provide some comfort and friendship. If any readers feel similarly, I encourage you to come forward and talk to me about it, if you feel like doing so.
And finally, I am doing this because I hope against hope to one day see how far I’ve come. Like anyone my age, I am stuck in the murky and hopeless waters of emotional, social, and even spiritual turmoil. Ambivalent or indifferent to most of my surroundings, I wander aimlessly through each day, desperately searching for solace. My own fear and sadness cripple me exhausted and reeling, but now, I take the first step on a long journey; on pursuing the relief and happiness I’ve always desired.
So if you’re reading, welcome, and feel free to join me on my odyssey.